Its been a little over two months since I've signed in to update my blog. Typical gemini thing. I either soak in my feelings so much that I'm willing to stand up to them through writing or I become so flustered with them that I shy away. Its not uncommon that I avoid the aftertastes of my miseries. Lately, I 've been experiencing such poor self esteem. I avoid spending too much time in the mirror and I restrain myself from engaging with social acquaintances. I remember last year how I would force eye contact with random people at the stores for the sole purpose of exchanging a smile. "You will smile", I would say to myself. "I will give you a reason to smile". I didn't care who they were or what they were about but I was determined to plant that smile onto their faces and allow them to have a brief interlude of happiness. I relied on that so much. I knew if I could get someone to share a smile with me, that it would fulfill one of my many empty "pockets" of sadness. I guess it was more of a selfish attempt. I miss that. I cant bring myself to even glance at others now. I hate who I've become. I was always so confident and bold without really being exposed and now I'm just shy of the world.