Those feelings of loss that slowly steep into you after a break up....surely they are the worst kind of feelings. More so because of the investments made after a year and 4 1/2 months. You invest your time, your emotions, your words, your thoughts, everything, only for it all to go to waste. Sometimes I cant help but think that maybe I'm not meant to be loved by a man eternally. I've spent my whole young life being in relationships with broken men who may have drained me throughout the years. Men who are flawed a great deal and could never truly dedicate themselves to a woman. I've given too much of myself. I remember spending time doing one's high school assignments to help him make it to graduation and long nights of accompanying him after his father kicked him out numerous times. I preached to him about respecting his parents and pleaded for him to come home after countless night outs with the wrong kind of people. The cheating was endless and habitual. He suffered from psychopathic episodes and was diagnosed with manic depression. I spent two weeks at the psych ward with him and always had my schedule accommodate his and his family's. I ached for him badly. I wanted nothing but for him to be well. Until today, he doesn't have much involvement in our son's life. Then there was the one whom might have been my first and only true love, but I've yet to understand it. He was a heroin addict and of course I hadn't known after it was too late. I was already in too deep. I found myself holding money at his request and frantically taking calls from jail, even arguing and bickering back and forth with another woman whom he lead on for far longer. It was disgusting but If I sat here and wrote about how patient and understanding he was, it would be a lengthy blog. He made me feel more alive then I'd ever been in my life and my most passionate and highest sexual experiences were with him. I could talk to him about anything at all without any judgement. It was pure acceptance. I did whatever I could to help him lead a better life. He's currently serving his 5th and final year behind bars. I'm shaking things off with the most recent man. It really disappoints me that I held on long to him after I realized that it wouldn't work between us. It killed me. I kept convincing myself that I'll develop stronger feelings, that maybe it can turn into something great. I wanted him to be the one. He was handsome and charming. He made me laugh like no other. The best part is that we enjoyed a lot of the same things like sports and math. But he was broken. He denied all his faults. He wasn't in tune with my feelings let alone his own. He had too many hardships of his own and didn't know how to face them. He was as dry as they come. I tried opening his heart more. Demonstrating patience and compassion became a full time job. He had a lot of ambition but no direction. I advised him. I also tried to keep him grounded. He was impulsive and extremely aggressive. I started seeing a side of him that had me believing I was being fooled over time. He became a bitter soul and was self-loathing. I could no longer be so inviting to the misery as it was making me sick. I'm a giving woman. I don't feel whole unless I'm helping or doing something selfless. These people I've committed to in the past were my missions. I was determined to fix them, heal them....I needed to know that I was trying to do something about every situation they were dealing with. It wasn't my battle, it was theirs. But I constantly feel a sense of urgency to step in and contribute someway. In these "relationships", I was servicing these men. I had a conversation with an old friend sometime ago where we spoke about God and life and how everyone may be here with a purpose. I expressed to him how I thought deeply about this and how I just might be here on Earth to serve my purpose, which is to share my love with broken people who aren't capable of loving themselves. Maybe I'm not meant to be in love or be loved unconditionally (yes its a depressing suggestion) but rather to guide others to love and re-build, leave them with a piece of myself. I am a token, a token to help them find peace and self-renewal. People cross paths in life for a reason, this I truly believe. I'm not sure who I'll encounter next or what purpose I'll serve once we meet, but I yearn to be.... I'll quote my son's words from just the other day...."with a man who can be patient and understanding. He'll respect you and me and him can have a good relationship and play together"...... but what a man he'll be!