Harmony.

3:07am….

I sit here with dimly lit candles, incense filling the room with the aroma of Egyptian Musk, and a freshly poured cup of coffee. It seems like the perfect combination of a relaxing ambiance, yet I sense a heavy weight on my shoulders and can’t help defying these intense feelings of self-incrimination. I’m trying to piece it all together, I revisit moments that lead me to this point. I’ve done a lot of reading and studying about human essence and the ego, which is what causes us to suffer, but not enough practice in allowing myself to be present and to break free from the demands of the human ego. It is something I don’t yet fully understand and cannot always apply but I consider this experience as part of the process of letting go of these thoughts that cause me so much sadness. As I laid in bed, my mind began to evaluate why my partner felt so distant to me, why he wasn’t being intimate with me or touching me. Naturally, a man should caress his woman’s body or want to express his desire for her by using sensual touches, but in my case my partner isn’t very expressive in this way and maybe isn’t as keen to emotional and tantric behavior. I’ve always felt that human touch was dire to the mind body and soul, but it’s been somewhat absent between us. As a woman, it becomes difficult to manage feelings of insecurity when you’re not marveled over or when a man won’t feel on your body. There needs to be a harmonious parallel of energy between my partner and I. If I am presented with some unique form of artwork, I aim to explore it, that is if it fascinates me enough, and I feel that if my partner finds me desirable or intrinsic, he will aim to do the same as if I were a painting. With all this, however, I understand how my ego could undeniably be the cause of my feeling unwanted. Self-love is the center stone for all relationships and perhaps because I haven’t learned to be kinder to myself, I am limiting myself in the ability to thrive with my partner. Loving without expectation that my partner will express his feelings for me in the same way I express mine is the key to accepting our relationship as it is. This in fact is hard to do, but it’s something I am working on each day. So, if he doesn’t reach out for me or do something that I find physically arousing or nurturing, I remind myself that it doesn’t mean I am not worthy or less of a woman. I think the biggest challenge is accepting people and situations as they are and not personalizing it all, but at the same time staying true to what I feel is best for me and having the courage to walk away from the people and things that no longer serve my best interest. Again, this is all a process and through it, I will continue to unveil new parts of myself, as well as fully loving and accepting myself and not identify myself based on other people’s behaviors…