I envy the bird with wings.

Last month, we lost our beloved cat, Poopy. I remember the first day I picked him up from the breeder and surprised Nes. He came from a litter of Scottish Folds and was so exotic and beautiful. It was the same year we moved into our apartment and so he became an essential part of what we know to be home. I told myself I would never have a dog as a pet because I don’t believe in putting animals on leashes or keeping them contained or restricted in anyway. I grew up with cats and seen how independent they can be as well as how low maintenance and so we adopted poopy knowing that I wasn’t imposing a great deal of control or confinement. The thing about having pets is that, although they help teach us responsibility and serve as companions, they symbolize so much more like family and connection to all living things. The night he passed away, he was outside my bedroom door meowing excessively and I didn’t realize that he was in distress. I came out to fill his food and water bowl and laid down on the living room couch. Just a few seconds after he started chowing down, he abandoned the bowl and tried running over to me as he was experiencing some kind of fatal symptoms. He passed out in the middle of the living room floor. I heard him gasp and I jumped up and tried to reassure him, but it was too fucking late. Nes came out of his room and we both looked at each other knowing that he had just died due to a possible stroke. The loss of our cat was devasting for us both, but I believe Nes has coped a lot better than I have in the last several weeks. Since the end of last year, we were back to being just the two of us, the originally trio if you count Poopy. Over the winter months, there’s been a lot of transition and in most cases some pretty challenging events. It has always been comforting knowing that Poopy was here, always wanting our attention, always home waiting for us, snuggling us, and giving us reasons to smile with his unique feline personality. He was special. I feel terrible that I didn’t answer his calls sooner or been more aware of what was medically wrong with him. It just might be the worst loss for me since I’ve yet to experience the death of a close relative. I’m glad, at least, that Nes and I were both present. People can be really ugly sometimes. They can be cruel and vicious. We go through life having to deal with criticism, ridicule, people constantly telling us what’s wrong with us, pointing out our flaws and our deficits, as if we’ll never be good enough. They judge everything we do and a lot of times we believe that we're simply not adequate. Poopy seemed to think we were perfect beings. Our pets love us unconditionally. They accept us for exactly what and who we are. They don’t know war, or hate, or jealousy. These things don’t exist in their minds. They have the single most powerful ability in being present, something us humans can’t seem to grasp. If Poopy has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t take anything in life for granted and that the simple gestures we share are the only thing that truly matter. It’s the holding of hands, and the “I love You’s”. It’s the picking up the phone when Dad calls or embracing the hugs. It’s listening. It’s pausing. It’s breathing and leading with love and intention. Such a short time we share here, and I wish people would just put their phones down and really connect with themselves and their loved ones. When arranging Poopy’s burial we chose to give him back to the Earth. I’ve always understood that we only leave our physical shells and our energy travels out into the universe. I’ve heard that some souls transcend into other life forms, sometimes as birds. I was approached by a bird twice this weekend, in fact, it came so unusually close, and it even tried communicating with me. I couldn’t help but speculate over whether or not it had any connection to Poopy. Birds are so mysterious, are they not? They are the only living things that can spread their wings and soar over the clouds. They can fly free, liberated of all things, free to visit whomever they wish to see. Always one with nature, sending us messages, and maybe even deliver warnings. They are such beautiful creatures. I envy the bird with wings…