Garden.

For the first time in a long time, my apartment feels so empty. Nes turned 16 last month and I find that he’s out of the house more often but, of course, this is expected: He’s a typical teenager. I no longer have a roommate and my partner, and I have since separated. With all the free time I have now, along with space, I have taken up a new hobby and am working on launching my business. There is something very powerful in being alone and not having anything disrupt your energy field. Many of the journal entries I share are inspired by such changes that occur all at once. It is these transitional experiences that compel me most to express myself. As my son’s 16th birthday was approaching, I felt a strong sense of sadness thinking about how my sweet boy is growing farther away. The holding hands died out, the hugs before exiting the car in the school drop-off are long gone, the cuddles are a thing of the past, and slowly but surely, I’ll be seeing less and less of him. It is a bittersweet scroll of life. Years back, I held onto sweet and tender moments for as long as I could, even amid the chaos around us. Nowadays, I stand back and watch like someone observing through a crowd as my boy evolves into his own person and pursues his interests and goals independently. I marvel over him with pride. He has grown into such a beautiful, sentient being. His level of maturity, charisma, curiosity, determination, and creativity always strike me, and I feel so much wholeness and happiness in my heart for him. May he continue to blossom and pave his own path. I am struggling a bit in having to adjust to such changes. Many dinners I eat alone and each night I go to bed alone. I always have looked forward to spending holidays with my partner, but we spent Christmas and New Year’s apart. It is the attachment and identification with my ex-partner and my son that causes the suffering. The fact that I have invested so much time and energy into fulfilling the roles of being a romantic partner and a mother tricks me into believing that I am losing some part of myself. It is also the comfortability in always having them around. The reality is simply that my son is establishing his autonomy and Angel chose to lead a lifestyle that doesn’t include me. We reached the crossroad of our own healing journeys. Although we are no longer together, I know that we both have a special place in each other’s hearts, and I can continue without him, loving him from a distance. Reminding myself that putting energy and attention to my own needs and goals is essential and simply a part of my own process. It is not so easy moving on each day without the man I love and with my son being less present, but I do have so much to look forward to this year and the excitement and anticipation help me keep me going. I am excited to meet new people in my life and build new friendships and relationships. I am working really hard on myself to shape new opportunities and outlooks on life. I’ve been doing this by exploring through solo travel, reading insightful topics, doing research, journaling, listening to podcasts, being consistent with my fitness training, and being more mindful of my habits. It seems that I am becoming more in alignment with things that truly serve me: self-care, mindfulness, my financial and professional endeavors, and new skillsets. I am allocating time to work on my business plan and how to market myself. I have travels in store for this year and plan to attend many events of interest. There is lots of room for growth that could only be possible by accepting the newfound freedom and not associating any of the changes with hardship or deficiency. It is a matter of letting go of outdated attachments just as one might do by pulling the weeds and watering the soil to cultivate new life into their garden. This is how I see my current disposition. I need to begin harvesting and sustaining my own happiness, watering my own garden so that I can flourish and feed others from the love I’ve seeded and nurtured inside me, to attract all the beautiful butterflies and birds, and to absorb all the light that’s around me. Ultimately, it’s about love, where I can redirect the love, I have for others, unto me.