I don't know what it is about me, but all my thoughts revolve around an audience which my mind has fabricated to be as my sole self. An introvert, nonetheless, and this here domain will serve as your gateway into myself.
What an emotionally draining day. My afternoon was heartbreaking. Never have I felt so alone and hopeless....the man in my life is incapable of receiving and registering my feelings....two lost people clinging to one another for fear of failing yet it continues to lead to misery and disappointment. I'm hoping if he reads this, he'll open his mind.....let go of this infectious cycle.
"......I was always an unusual girl. My mother told me that I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing me due north. No fixed personality, just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and wavering as the ocean. And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying. Because I was born to be the other woman who belonged to no one. Who belonged to everyone. Who had nothing. Who wanted everything. With a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it. And pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me. Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people. And finally I did. On the open road. We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore. Except to make our lives into a work of art. Live fast. Die young. Be wild. And have fun. I believe in the country America used to be. I believe in the person I want to become. I believe in the freedom of the open road. And my motto is the same as ever. "I believe in the kindness of strangers". And when I'm at war with myself, I ride, I just ride. Who are you? Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies? Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them? I have, I am fucking crazy. But I am free."
-Lana Del Rey
I hate that its approaching the 11 o'clock hour right now. I've been up since 5am. Since, I've been re-assigned to a new position with the Port Authority, waking up early has become a new track in my album of Blues. Wake up, shower, get dressed, get my boy up, get him up and ready to go, prepare his lunch, rush out to stop and get breakfast, drop him off, rush to work only to sit in traffic for close to an hour, get to a nearby parking garage to pay an outrageous day rate and then walk 4 long blocks just to get to my building, sit in a cubicle for 8 hours doing senseless and boring things, only to finish and walk the same 4 blocks and sit in another hour of traffic and pick up my son late, then rush home to change, then rush to the field for his football equipment handouts, then rush back home to cook dinner and do dishes (It's beyond me how I was able to log in tonight and update my blog). I had my boyfriend drop off my son at his grandmothers for the night (she offered to take him to camp in the morning) so that I can get into work earlier tomorrow just to get out earlier (not missing my son's doc apt tomorrow). I wasn't going to let the night pass without unwinding somehow, and now here I am spewing all the hectic things that made up my day. This hot green tea is everything right now, not to mention my orange mint hookah fired up!....To all you stay-at-home moms: I envy you. I cant express how disappointed I am that I wont be able to spend the morning with my son and be there to get him ready. Life can be so hard, DAMN you Jersey City. I'm trying and I'll keep pushing until it kills me.
If I had to compare my subconscious being to absolutely anything at all, I would compare it to a snow globe. An enchanted, mystic, and beautiful little world enclosed within a glass spherical barrier....so glorious and so beautiful. More than anything, I hate the cold but in the depths of my mind the white snow is liberating. God, how I hate the cold.....Sometimes people wish they can enter, sometimes because it's magnificent. There's a whole other world inside. There are things that float and sparkle. An entrapment of excitement and understanding. Its the perfect place to be! Everything! It's all perfection and beautiful! No one to intrude, the answers are all there, and you never really feel alone. There's so much wonder and you cant help but wonder why you cant share it all with others....but the snow globe, I, am neglected. No one cares for its beauty, for what it has to offer. They don't admire it nor are they interested in its value. Why do people looked passed something so small yet so whimsical? I thought long and hard about this one. It was a self given task, something I deemed as healthy for my self awareness and well being. I asked myself, if I had to compare my very soul to an object, what would it be?...a snow globe, which I've neglected.
Today is one of the worst days to be a woman. Mother nature is angry. No work, and I'm out of PTO. Its times like today where I want to do something impulsive and spontaneous to try and feel better. I wish I had someone here right now to tell me all the right things, to sit by my side and stare at the wall with me. Or to say nothing. All I've got is my cat for now. He's so loyal but so mischievous at the same time. His eyes are as gold and as yellow as a crimson moon today. At least I have something beautiful to admire. He cant rub my feet or rub my cramps right now though.....I hope this pain subsides so that I might make it to the park and move around a bit.
Feeling revived somewhat. I woke up this morning and executed all morning duties as usual only to wind up not going into work. I went shopping, something I haven't done in a while and it was nice. I needed time to be able to do something unrushed. It felt good. Today starts my fitness journey. I took my son's bike to the cycle shop and had them maintenance it so when I run at the park later this evening he can ride beside me. I also bought my little "lobster" a few things of course! I spent sometime this afternoon looking through old pictures as well. I love pictures. They capture glory and love.... A lot of them were from two years ago where I was in great shape. I adored my figure then and so I'm going to dedicate the next couple months in getting it back. I'm hoping the work out attire I purchased today serve as motivation. I decided since I don't go out often and never treat myself to nice, new outfits or dresses, I'd buy all new yoga pants and gym shirts as part of my plan to exercise more. I know that once I get into it, I'll feel a lot better too. I miss feeling energetic and weightless. I miss a lot of things. I will recover.
How did I go from being such a vibrant, youthful, spirited woman to becoming a bland, unhappy, and depressed soul. You know sometimes I feel like praying thinking that maybe if I became more religious or faith-drawn that somehow all my bad luck would go away, but then again I don't know how. I don't know God or religion. I can preach on and on to my own son about how God sees all and that God evaluates you and about how there's a heaven and a hell. I'm only as clueless and as vulnerable as he is. Then, there's a part of me that simply doesn't fall for any of it. We are all science and biology. Or is that all? Last night, I lit an incense. I have a whole bunch of them in one of my kitchen drawers and had forgotten about them. I don't remember exactly where I'd heard this from (or maybe even read), but when the incense smoke travels tumultuously in different directions and forms a cloud, it indicates that there is strong negative energy around. If it travels in a calm, smooth, and steady line, there is none. It burnt in its entirety before I even remembered to notice...... I stared at the remains of the incense thinking how did it get so bad to the point where I'm not even aware of the presence let alone my own being. I guess this is what happens when your soul is so ill and neglected. Sometimes I listen to the Quran when I'm alone. The sounds comfort me even though I don't understand what's being recited. I don't care to know, it still aligns with my consciousness the way music does. I don't know how to move forward with this post, so ill end here for now.
Sometimes I wonder where I got my indecisiveness from....was it from my mother when she was hesitant in marrying my father at such a young age? Was it from my dad when he didn't know what he was getting himself into coming into the states with a new wife? Could it be from my grandfather (whom I never had the opportunity to experience who he really was) ? It torments me every day. The people in my life have to ponder themselves as to how I can possibly be so imbalanced. I have to also wonder, whether or not it stems from simply having anxiety. Or could my inability to make rationalized decisions be the result of my anxiety? I really don't know and as my life sways in the present, I cant help but find the answers amidst the torment.