God and Body.

We arrive at the world via our biological bodies into this human existence. In this physical realm we aim to fulfill two facets of life: creativity and connection. These two things are what give us purpose and meaning in our existence. Just like other creatures, we thrive in hurds or tribes because this is the most efficient and effective way to survive. In the beginning we moved as hunter-gatherer: as a unit to search and collect for food and resources, protect one-another from predators, to pro-create, and even sustain the earth we walked on. Just like other species, we operate within our own eco-system that involves family, bondedness, connection, and the perpetuation of the cycle of life. What sets us apart from other animals or creatures is simply our ability to be creative and our ability to express ourselves. These are the divine parts of our being that make up the universe. The way the stars shine, the way the planets orbit, the way the sun is ignited, the abyss of the black hole, and everything that’s in the cosmos: all of it is expressed through our human experience. We dance, we speak poetry, we create art, we present ourselves in colors with the makeup on our bodies and the weaves of our clothing – even in the channeling of our emotions, we resonate with all that is. We are the expression of infinite possibility. We understand personality and demonstrate reason. Creativity and connection keep us alive and transcended. They are the only open pathways to our collective consciousness. The one, almighty ruler of the world, that which is the grand and expansive integration of mind and heart: Mind being awareness and understanding, Heart being love and kindness. How does one achieve divinity? One must tap back into their godly, divine spirit. We can’t be creative beings without an open mind and exploration, and we can’t be loving without vulnerability. If and when these gifts are suppressed, we stop spiritually evolving. In developing from a young child into an adult, these two things, creativity and connection, are also the things that are squandered. People lose their sense of self and community. Look around you and you will see everything, tragically, our world has become - separation and distraction. Families are torn apart (the workplace/schools/nursing homes) and our existence is isolated in digital and technological constraints (gadgets/social media). We lodge our bodies with prescriptions, drugs, and chemicals which create blockages that keep us from connecting our souls to body and body to earth. We lack awareness and stillness in the way we relate to the world and so we allow ourselves to be inflicted, to be induced by stress and traumas, all of which are stored within the body, further breaking down the molecular intelligence that fortifies and regulates us. We might think we know where we are going, but do we fathom to remember where we came from. Once we were pure, pure energy and pure love. Now we experience confusion and suffering. I look into my lover’s eyes, the eyes of my child, and my mother’s eyes and I see a reflection of myself. They carry me inside their soul but this is of no surprise to me because I’ve always known that we come from the same place and experience the same depth. I wonder do they see themselves when they look into mine eyes. Can they, also, find themselves? Can they feel at home? Can they feel pure love? When a driver loses patience with someone else on the road and reacts with hostility, they forget who they are at their core, they forget that they’re a being simply living the simulation, the human experience where peace, love, and stillness reside inside of them. Instead, we have become reactive people, living simply off of stimuli and thus operating in a mammalian state, which allows only fight, flight, or freeze. We are more than that, we have a higher capacity to perform as living beings. I imagine a young girl standing at the crosswalk watching everything that goes by. The people hustling by in the street, the large metal containments that speed by, the tall establishments filled with delineated compartments and covered in frivolous messages. I feel a surge of desperation to run towards the young girl, I race to her, accelerating faster and faster with every step and grab her, secure her tightly. I continue off with her into oblivion. As a fractal, I embark on the continuum. Self-Love is a form of expansion. God is only felt and experienced in the expression (expansion) of gene and the constellation we create down here. With our bodies we can channel God, expand via our creativity and creating and fostering connection. We are gifted with the ability to speak love, to demonstrate love, to move energetically, to share. Through love-making we create more life, an expansion of self (God). As above, so below. As you are, so am I. It is the same as looking into the eyes of another and seeing oneness as if looking in the mirror. It is the same way the trees mimic themselves underground with their roots and even how the ancient pyramids are octahedrons (We see only the pyramid above the surface, but there is another pyramid below, underground, that makes up the totality of the structure). We can alleviate the dysfunctional patterns of our existence if we can realize that we are all divine beings and that we are all units of one collective consciousness: God and Body.

Utopian Love.

There is an energetic harmony between us

That we both can't deny is real

When you hug and hold me and say to me "tell me what you feel"

In the middle of the night, I feel you pull me in tighter

Through the darkness, our eyes lock and suddenly things appear brighter

And I am met with all that I desire

Our love is intimate and passionate love making

That mimics the birth of a celestial star

The kind of pleasure that transmutes all pain

And heals ancestral scars

We walk in union to preserve the beauty of our love

As we know the threat of the weight of the world isn't enough

To dim our light and strip us of our loves honor

It is only in separation we fall into a hopeless state of wander

When the illusions take over the gaze we exchange

And we forget where we belong

In each other’s embrace, we share our sacred song

The anthem of the home we've discovered within our soul

In our world we are in powerful tandem where anything is possible

It is Utopia.

By Sara Metwalli.

Garden.

For the first time in a long time, my apartment feels so empty. Nes turned 16 last month and I find that he’s out of the house more often but, of course, this is expected: He’s a typical teenager. I no longer have a roommate and my partner, and I have since separated. With all the free time I have now, along with space, I have taken up a new hobby and am working on launching my business. There is something very powerful in being alone and not having anything disrupt your energy field. Many of the journal entries I share are inspired by such changes that occur all at once. It is these transitional experiences that compel me most to express myself. As my son’s 16th birthday was approaching, I felt a strong sense of sadness thinking about how my sweet boy is growing farther away. The holding hands died out, the hugs before exiting the car in the school drop-off are long gone, the cuddles are a thing of the past, and slowly but surely, I’ll be seeing less and less of him. It is a bittersweet scroll of life. Years back, I held onto sweet and tender moments for as long as I could, even amid the chaos around us. Nowadays, I stand back and watch like someone observing through a crowd as my boy evolves into his own person and pursues his interests and goals independently. I marvel over him with pride. He has grown into such a beautiful, sentient being. His level of maturity, charisma, curiosity, determination, and creativity always strike me, and I feel so much wholeness and happiness in my heart for him. May he continue to blossom and pave his own path. I am struggling a bit in having to adjust to such changes. Many dinners I eat alone and each night I go to bed alone. I always have looked forward to spending holidays with my partner, but we spent Christmas and New Year’s apart. It is the attachment and identification with my ex-partner and my son that causes the suffering. The fact that I have invested so much time and energy into fulfilling the roles of being a romantic partner and a mother tricks me into believing that I am losing some part of myself. It is also the comfortability in always having them around. The reality is simply that my son is establishing his autonomy and Angel chose to lead a lifestyle that doesn’t include me. We reached the crossroad of our own healing journeys. Although we are no longer together, I know that we both have a special place in each other’s hearts, and I can continue without him, loving him from a distance. Reminding myself that putting energy and attention to my own needs and goals is essential and simply a part of my own process. It is not so easy moving on each day without the man I love and with my son being less present, but I do have so much to look forward to this year and the excitement and anticipation help me keep me going. I am excited to meet new people in my life and build new friendships and relationships. I am working really hard on myself to shape new opportunities and outlooks on life. I’ve been doing this by exploring through solo travel, reading insightful topics, doing research, journaling, listening to podcasts, being consistent with my fitness training, and being more mindful of my habits. It seems that I am becoming more in alignment with things that truly serve me: self-care, mindfulness, my financial and professional endeavors, and new skillsets. I am allocating time to work on my business plan and how to market myself. I have travels in store for this year and plan to attend many events of interest. There is lots of room for growth that could only be possible by accepting the newfound freedom and not associating any of the changes with hardship or deficiency. It is a matter of letting go of outdated attachments just as one might do by pulling the weeds and watering the soil to cultivate new life into their garden. This is how I see my current disposition. I need to begin harvesting and sustaining my own happiness, watering my own garden so that I can flourish and feed others from the love I’ve seeded and nurtured inside me, to attract all the beautiful butterflies and birds, and to absorb all the light that’s around me. Ultimately, it’s about love, where I can redirect the love, I have for others, unto me.

Extraction.

It is baffling to me how people, strong in numbers, can line dance with society: synchronized with every hypnotic motion, following blindly the sirens of resignation and submission of oneself. The world forces us to become puppets and robots and sheep: prisoners to every program they design and reinforce. If we don’t work, we can’t eat. You can work and eat but you have to only do that because you’ll be given other things to consume your time. If you want a break or need time off, you can only take a week but expect your job to still pester you while you’re off and when you return, you’re in for a rude awakening. If we don’t possess a phone, we can’t access any of our personal information. If we don’t inject our bodies, then we can’t travel or be rendered services. You’re killing yourself to survive in a world that aims to drown you of every ounce of energy, money, and time that you have. It’s a pathetic and disgusting monster that people continue to coddle and tolerate. It is not natural to live like this and as humans, we are not designed to function this way. So, every morning, I prepare myself for resistance but slowly I am growing tired, tired of fighting and tired of constantly trying to offset the pressures of the world. I only want to stay present and connect with myself and what’s in the ground and in the sky. I don’t ever want to forget that I am born into a free world and don’t want to neglect it or take it for granted.

I do not agree with the construct of the man’s world, with society’s demands, and with all the regimes that shape human existence. The matrix that we live in manipulates us each and every single day, imposing on us the ways in which we are to function and behave: how we’re suppose to look and present ourselves when we step foot outside, where we’re supposed to be, where and how we shelter, the tasks we must carry out in order to survive, the schedule we must follow, how we arrive to our destinations, what and how we eat, and almost everything, that’s in between, that we think we have decisions over, are only available to us from a pre-selected, limited palette, one that’s carefully and strategically served in a manner to discourage non-compliance. The way in which we care and look after each other is even monitored and limited so that we don’t have the range and ability to truly support our loved ones. I call it the invisible shackles of the man’s world. Unknowingly, we are given directive in how to think and feel. How much and how often are we to eat. What our pleasures are and what we need to do to fulfill them: at what cost? Who are we? What is our purpose? The answers to these questions require a free mind, however we are being fed answers that are prescribed to us. We are born into a contract; one we have no awareness of.  A lot of people don’t realize that they’re not actually free in this world. Nothing is free. There’s no plot of earth out there that one can freely roam without some entity declaring ownership of it or imposing penalty. Water is not free, food is not free, freedom is not even free. It’s all fake. Chris Hedges writes the following in his book Empire of Illusion: “Sadism dominates the culture. It runs like an electric current through reality television and trash-talk programs, is at the core of pornography, and fuels the compliant, corporate collective. Corporatism is about crushing the capacity for moral choice and diminishing the individual to force him or her into an ostensibly harmonious collective. This hypermasculinity has its logical fruition in Abu Ghraib, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and our lack of compassion for our homeless, our poor, the mentally ill, the unemployed, and the sick. ... We accept the system handed to us and seek to find a comfortable place within it. We retreat into the narrow, confined ghettos created for us and shut our eyes to the deadly superstructure of the corporate state.”

These ghettos are the little communities we’re thrust into, the office, the classroom (we all know history has been fabricated to some degree and what we learn is selective content), and even inside our own homes. We live in complacency. We accept life this way and enable ourselves to believe that happiness consists of having a nuclear family, a good job, a paycheck, a retirement fund, a vacation, a present, a car, a home, and whatever else fits into a “normal” life.  Every waking morning, I go to war. The anxiety that builds up throughout the day, the feelings of loneliness, and the signs that my body gives off are how I reject all that is around me. I refuse to accept that this is all life has to offer me and so I will do all that is within my power to walk in my own path and live according to my own terms. I am so in tune with the natural world that I constantly find myself feeling ostracized. So many people are stuck in bounded rationality, and I wish I could save the world by helping people see that there is so much more to life, that they are superior superhumans and that if they could tap into their divine powers, they’ll unlock the shackles that confine their mind and their bodies. The system shames those who protest injustice and that speak out or question authority. Even a free-thinking student sometimes experiences resistance if they challenge thought in the classroom. We are conditioned to fear change and to expect discipline if disobedient. It’s important to remember that real world changes that have occurred were due to the courage and bravery of those who were willing to compromise their “normal” lives and fight the system in place. We’re convinced that by going to war, we’re serving our country when really all we’re doing is perpetuating more egoism, power struggle, and corruption. When Mohammad Ali refused to join the army, they immediately stripped him of his heavyweight title. He justified his decision by stating “I am not going ten thousand miles from home to help murder and burn another poor nation simply to continue the domination of white slave masters of the darker people the world over. This is the day when such evils must come to an end…The real enemy of my people is right here. I will not disgrace my religion, my people or myself by becoming a tool to enslave those who are fighting for their own justice, freedom, and equality…If I thought the war was going to bring freedom and equality to 22 million of my people, they wouldn’t have to draft me, I’d join tomorrow…So I’ll go to jail. We’ve been in jail for four hundred years.” His words ring true today, that we, not just people of color, are still in jail: every one of us. You must work, you must have a job. You can’t explore the world. You must pay taxes, no matter where or how you get money. You must give every part of yourself; your energy, your body, your time, your resources, all of it, in exchange for money. There is no break, no mercy, no redemption. I often wonder what it might be like if an entire nation of people simply said no and if they just decided they would no longer operate under the system. They can’t punish us all, can they? Who’s more powerful? I’m not sure what that would mean in terms of changing the world, but I do know that if there’s a collective effort, we could really shift the way we lead our lives, a way that’s truly fulfilling, and how we share the earth. I imagine it as an extraction from the matrix. One that would free us to experience true abundance of love, peace, harmony, happiness, and nourishment.

I envy the bird with wings.

Last month, we lost our beloved cat, Poopy. I remember the first day I picked him up from the breeder and surprised Nes. He came from a litter of Scottish Folds and was so exotic and beautiful. It was the same year we moved into our apartment and so he became an essential part of what we know to be home. I told myself I would never have a dog as a pet because I don’t believe in putting animals on leashes or keeping them contained or restricted in anyway. I grew up with cats and seen how independent they can be as well as how low maintenance and so we adopted poopy knowing that I wasn’t imposing a great deal of control or confinement. The thing about having pets is that, although they help teach us responsibility and serve as companions, they symbolize so much more like family and connection to all living things. The night he passed away, he was outside my bedroom door meowing excessively and I didn’t realize that he was in distress. I came out to fill his food and water bowl and laid down on the living room couch. Just a few seconds after he started chowing down, he abandoned the bowl and tried running over to me as he was experiencing some kind of fatal symptoms. He passed out in the middle of the living room floor. I heard him gasp and I jumped up and tried to reassure him, but it was too fucking late. Nes came out of his room and we both looked at each other knowing that he had just died due to a possible stroke. The loss of our cat was devasting for us both, but I believe Nes has coped a lot better than I have in the last several weeks. Since the end of last year, we were back to being just the two of us, the originally trio if you count Poopy. Over the winter months, there’s been a lot of transition and in most cases some pretty challenging events. It has always been comforting knowing that Poopy was here, always wanting our attention, always home waiting for us, snuggling us, and giving us reasons to smile with his unique feline personality. He was special. I feel terrible that I didn’t answer his calls sooner or been more aware of what was medically wrong with him. It just might be the worst loss for me since I’ve yet to experience the death of a close relative. I’m glad, at least, that Nes and I were both present. People can be really ugly sometimes. They can be cruel and vicious. We go through life having to deal with criticism, ridicule, people constantly telling us what’s wrong with us, pointing out our flaws and our deficits, as if we’ll never be good enough. They judge everything we do and a lot of times we believe that we're simply not adequate. Poopy seemed to think we were perfect beings. Our pets love us unconditionally. They accept us for exactly what and who we are. They don’t know war, or hate, or jealousy. These things don’t exist in their minds. They have the single most powerful ability in being present, something us humans can’t seem to grasp. If Poopy has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t take anything in life for granted and that the simple gestures we share are the only thing that truly matter. It’s the holding of hands, and the “I love You’s”. It’s the picking up the phone when Dad calls or embracing the hugs. It’s listening. It’s pausing. It’s breathing and leading with love and intention. Such a short time we share here, and I wish people would just put their phones down and really connect with themselves and their loved ones. When arranging Poopy’s burial we chose to give him back to the Earth. I’ve always understood that we only leave our physical shells and our energy travels out into the universe. I’ve heard that some souls transcend into other life forms, sometimes as birds. I was approached by a bird twice this weekend, in fact, it came so unusually close, and it even tried communicating with me. I couldn’t help but speculate over whether or not it had any connection to Poopy. Birds are so mysterious, are they not? They are the only living things that can spread their wings and soar over the clouds. They can fly free, liberated of all things, free to visit whomever they wish to see. Always one with nature, sending us messages, and maybe even deliver warnings. They are such beautiful creatures. I envy the bird with wings…

Why not now?

Our hearts travel through the ocean currents

On an endless journey to find one another

Furious or kind, the waves carrying our souls

Under tears of the sky or the beaming rays of sun

Tis never too late nor never too soon

As the depths of the sea know not time

So, why not now? For our souls to collide

Why not now? For our breath to meet

Why not now? While quiet on the surface

And yet turbulent underneath

For our passion sails and submerges far beyond

And upward dances in flight with the birds

We shall forever be reborn

Our spirits together, they die

You and I…why not now?

© Sara Metwalli 2022

2020.

This has been one of the best years of my life. Today, as I look back and recount all of the year’s events, I feel so pleased and moved by everything I was able to experience. It has been a time of growth and healing. I stopped working in April and was able to spend more time at home with my son. I dreamt of this for a long time. Many dreadful, early mornings before work and long, dragged out days in an office leading to the end of a workday that involved stressed commutes and rushed dinners….this was everyday life for me. I barely had time to bond with my son or cook or even really take care of myself. So for some time, all I ever thought about was; soon I will be able to do all the things I been wanting to do at home such as waking up to see my son in the morning, having a quiet breakfast with him, going for bike rides together, spending time at the park and teaching him how to do different things at home. We played loud music in the kitchen and danced our asses off. We took many day trips and went hiking. We spent the summer on the beach and everyday we lived outdoors. It was so beautiful…these simple pleasures of living that you don’t fully get to experience once the world stops. I’m so happy the world “stopped”. All of a sudden, healthcare workers, first responders and teachers became our heroes and were given the adoration and respect they so deserved. These people have always been the backbone of the world and the pandemic made us humble and appreciative of all things. I, also, had never in my entire life seen so many people outside moving. People rode their bikes, people walked and ran, they skateboarded, they flew kites, they kicked a ball…just everyone seemed to be alive, more alive than ever. It felt like I was reborn. I noticed the moon more and more each night. I slept wonderfully and woke up to sunshine and spent the entire day being active. I carried out my fitness goals throughout the pandemic alongside my boyfriend and my son, who took up off-season football training with a private coach. We worked out up to 3 times a day! In the patio, we did HIIT training, and on the sidewalks we ran miles, on the beach my bf supported my sit-up to stands and we high-fived every time we came up from a push-up. We rode our bikes everywhere. We cooked fresh, healthy meals at home everyday. We sweat the entire day. My whole body radiated and, with his help, I was able to get into amazing shape. We smelled like fitness and BBQ and salt water everywhere we went. It was fantastic. My boyfriend and I spent the most time together in the 9 years we’ve been involved. He used drugs less frequently then he’s ever had since he became an addict. We’ve created so many precious memories this year with each other and our families. We’ve discovered so much together. This man has been the secret agent behind all the passion in my previous posts. He is special. Our togetherness has brought me much joy and he means so much to me in my life, but I know that when this year is gone, I will have to continue a journey without him. Our love runs deep but I need him to transform first into an unstoppable force. A force so destructive that it annihilates any barrier to success and any forge of weakness. I fully accept letting go as his complacency does not align with my pro-active nature and my aggressive hunger to chase all my dreams and ambitions. I keep going and nothing stops me. I will keep working until I save, keep learning, keep growing, and keep improving. Nothing will get in my way. I am forever an infinite work in progress. My greatest teacher was always time. It has taught me that I need to re-set, to stand back and piece together my own reality, and that love is patient and must come from within me. There is no greater love and acceptance than that of oneself. This year made me stronger than ever before. It has given me the preparation and determination to pursue everything this pandemic has shown me I needed: a family to grow, experiences with my son, good health, education, creativity, and my own kingdom. Every minute counts. I have to be somewhere, I need to be doing something, My body needs rest or needs air and clarity. I need to stimulate all of the energy form around me. We all create our worlds, our happiness. Everything lies in us and yet before COVID, we’ve allowed the world to manipulate us, to make love to us in the same non-pleasurable stroke. 2020 has made me extremely uncomfortable which I gladly have submitted myself to and am eager for more of the discomfort. It’s been a nurturing discomfort. It’s where growth lies. What an amazing year. I am not celebrating the New Year. I am celebrating and honoring the one passed. You are legend. Thank you Covid. Thank you Nes. Thank you Angel. Thank you 2020.

Harmony.

3:07am….

I sit here with dimly lit candles, incense filling the room with the aroma of Egyptian Musk, and a freshly poured cup of coffee. It seems like the perfect combination of a relaxing ambiance, yet I sense a heavy weight on my shoulders and can’t help defying these intense feelings of self-incrimination. I’m trying to piece it all together, I revisit moments that lead me to this point. I’ve done a lot of reading and studying about human essence and the ego, which is what causes us to suffer, but not enough practice in allowing myself to be present and to break free from the demands of the human ego. It is something I don’t yet fully understand and cannot always apply but I consider this experience as part of the process of letting go of these thoughts that cause me so much sadness. As I laid in bed, my mind began to evaluate why my partner felt so distant to me, why he wasn’t being intimate with me or touching me. Naturally, a man should caress his woman’s body or want to express his desire for her by using sensual touches, but in my case my partner isn’t very expressive in this way and maybe isn’t as keen to emotional and tantric behavior. I’ve always felt that human touch was dire to the mind body and soul, but it’s been somewhat absent between us. As a woman, it becomes difficult to manage feelings of insecurity when you’re not marveled over or when a man won’t feel on your body. There needs to be a harmonious parallel of energy between my partner and I. If I am presented with some unique form of artwork, I aim to explore it, that is if it fascinates me enough, and I feel that if my partner finds me desirable or intrinsic, he will aim to do the same as if I were a painting. With all this, however, I understand how my ego could undeniably be the cause of my feeling unwanted. Self-love is the center stone for all relationships and perhaps because I haven’t learned to be kinder to myself, I am limiting myself in the ability to thrive with my partner. Loving without expectation that my partner will express his feelings for me in the same way I express mine is the key to accepting our relationship as it is. This in fact is hard to do, but it’s something I am working on each day. So, if he doesn’t reach out for me or do something that I find physically arousing or nurturing, I remind myself that it doesn’t mean I am not worthy or less of a woman. I think the biggest challenge is accepting people and situations as they are and not personalizing it all, but at the same time staying true to what I feel is best for me and having the courage to walk away from the people and things that no longer serve my best interest. Again, this is all a process and through it, I will continue to unveil new parts of myself, as well as fully loving and accepting myself and not identify myself based on other people’s behaviors…

Pray for the Devil.

They say that about 70% of the world believes in the Devil’s existence. The perception of the Devil changes depending on one’s religious and spiritual beliefs. Some refer to the Devil as a “He” and call him Satan. He’s depicted in scriptures and in film in human form with a demonic appearance, horns coming out of his head, bright red eyes, and a snake-like tongue. Others refer to it as “She” believing that the fire associated with hell can come that only from the rage of a woman. Maybe the Devil has no gender.. no physical attribute or specific kind of appearance? We don’t really know what it looks like, and remember that the depiction of the Devil only comes from man’s imagination. Why did we have to make him look so unpleasant and disturbing!? What if the Devil was just an evil force or negative energy that takes up space? Whatever kind of identity you want to give to it, we can all agree on the one premise: that it’s evil. Whatever the Devil is, it’s only mission is to destroy the human spirit and make people do bad things. We gave him the role, and he’s playing the part. In churches or in any other religious establishments, people only aim to rebuke the Devil. Every kind of Leader and Mentor puts so much effort into instilling fear of the Devil onto younger people. Why is it that we fear the Devil so much? Why are we taught to be sensitive and compassionate towards other human beings but its Ok for us to have this fear and even hate towards the Devil? If he, she, or it is the culprit behind us engaging in evil behavior, ill manners, and in the way we experience suffering, then why can we forgive each other and pray for each other, but not the Devil itself? Have you ever thought about this? If you really think about what it represents, you’ll realize that the Devil (whoever or whatever you believe it to be) was never exposed to love, never spoken kindly of, nor wished well for. What if we prayed for the Devil? What if we forgave it and asked the Gods and religious forces we worship to help the Devil, in the same way we ask for peace, salvation and cures. How do we know that the Devil hasn’t spent eternity waiting to be loved and shown empathy? Throughout my quest in life, I’ve learned to take a negative entity and turn it around into something with value or excellence. My personal belief is that IF we all, the whole world, harvest the same kind of energy to put out positivity and healing and direct that to this thing called the Devil….then maybe, just maybe it’ll transform into something good.

Therapy is for everyone.

Usually, when driving to work in the mornings, I like to listen to the radio. I prefer morning radio shows over the news stations because they’re less depressing and still incorporate current affairs as topics of discussion. We all know how much I love current affairs. I forget exactly which station it was, but they had a guest on the air speaking about mental health, counseling and different kinds of therapy and whoever it was, was a professional of some sort and he was talking about the stigma behind seeking mental, emotional, or even spiritual help. What really caught my attention was his statement about how “therapy is for everyone”. It is, it really is…..It doesn’t matter who you are or where you are in your life, if you’re experiencing any kind of emotional setbacks or feeling at odds with yourself or the people you’re in involved with, it’s perfectly okay to talk to someone, especially a professional. It doesn’t mean that you’re crazy or that somethings wrong with you. A lot of the times, I’ve felt alone in my thoughts and feelings, but after listening to that conversation that morning, I looked up therapists and set myself up with an appointment right away. This week makes my 4th session. Has it helped me? Yes. There’s just so much healing power behind expressing yourself to someone whos willing to listen. No judgements or criticisms. Just an open ear. You can’t just show up to see a therapist and not say much, you’re kind of put in this environment that allows you to open up entirely and speak your truth…and your lies. Someone very special to me has always told me. “you need to be able to accept help”, and he’s never been more right. I’m learning this more and more every day and am working at it. Part of accepting help from others means that I have to open up. We all hear many times how you’re suppose to let go of the past and not complain about things that’ve already happened, but sometimes you need to talk about them if you haven’t found closure or reconciliation. I’m still anguished by all the mistreatment I underwent at the hands of toxic men in my life, I still feel resentment towards them and I still have much to vent about in regards to all my hardships. I can own up to the poor choices I’ve made throughout my time and speak candidly about these unhealthy relationships that I allowed myself to become wrapped up in. I’ve allows been mentally strong and I like to believe I have this superpower where I can heal myself from scratch, this extraordinary healing capacity that I wish I could pass along to others. With all that strength and power comes great weight and I want to be able to distribute it with the people who want to share strength and healing. I think about everything I’ve been able to obtain on my own in this crazy cruel world and I cant help but feel empowered. Therapy helps. Therapy is good. “Therapy is for everyone”.

If you have any questions about my experience so far, need someone to talk to, or need direction with seeking counseling, please don’t hesitate to message me. xoxo.

Strip.

We are expected to work at least 100,000 hours in our lifetime, sounds like a lot, right? You sleep a measly 5 hours and wake up to be bossed around by someone else for almost the whole day and then spend a majority of your week running errands, attending meetings, family functions, doctors appointments: if not for you then the kids, practices, games, cleaning whatever it is that's overdue, catching up with friends maybe, worrying about relationships, and basically chasing after a schedule that repeats itself. Its all very exhausting and we, as human beings, are not designed to carry out this kind of crazy fast-paced life. We lose sight of our selves….. We become disconnected from our spirits and the earth. It feels like we spend too much time running on a robotic battery that does fizzle out often and its difficult to recharge. My personal experience has been that this kind of “living” has created layers and layers of bottled up emotion, confusion, deteriorated health, and a loss of clarity. I cant even stay centered on one thought at a time. My mind is constantly racing and It’s too much ahead of my body. My thoughts are always distorted and I beat myself up when I can’t get things done right or on time. My being overwhelmed all the time has taken a huge toll on almost everything aspect of my life., and because I’m someone whos always striving for more, this can sometimes lead to horrific anxiety attacks and frequent illness. My goal for the New Year is to STRIP. I want to very slowly and carefully strip, strip every layer of stress away, strip each film of worry and burden, strip the weight off, strip the aged bandages of any emotional wounds, and strip all the bondages of suffocation and restriction. Most importantly, I need to strip my clothes off and take a good look at myself in the mirror, so that I can be reminded of who I am and how I feel about myself. You see, sometimes we become so lost that we don't know how to make the right decisions for ourselves and forget how to care for our mind and our heart. We're too busy for ourselves. How is it that we can manufacture our lives in such a way that diminishes our own quality of being? It doesn't have to be this way. If you’re reading this piece of my Blog and have made it this far, that means you took a little bit of your time to actually read something…I’m so happy you did. I hope it was somewhat helpful to you, inspiring, maybe even stimulating for your mind. Take care of yourself. Slow down. Say NO!…a lot. Meditate, remember to breath. Take a day off for yourself. Book a spontaneous trip. Fill up your tub with that bath water. Forget and let go. Give yourself love and time. I promise you, everything will be OK. Just strip…..

Life Warrior.

When I was a kid, I remember being very emotional, I felt everything. If my brother got picked on, I mourned. If my dad abused my mother, I felt heartache and panic. Everytime the cops showed up to our house, I hid under the covers while my stomach churned. We had our asses whooped at least once a day.  I was always rebellious as a child, tomboy times a thousand. I rode trick bikes with the boys, and climbed trees, I hung out at the football field while my friends practiced and kicked a soccer ball around for hours. The girls were so much drama for me and the boys didn’t think I was good enough. My entire childhood, i was put down by the opposite sex. My dad criticized me if i lost too much weight or if i had gained too much. If I didn’t understand my homework, he would slap me and curse me until I did.  My brothers would hit me when we fought and I’ve had the boys at school make fun of my hair and pull on it every chance they got. I waited for the next time they would challenge me, the rush i would get is indescribable....i remember striking back like a snake......My dad made me, my brothers and my sister carry cinder blocks out the back of his car which is probably why my hands wound up so rough. It took getting jumped twice by a man, raped in a nightclub, and knocked up and abused by a sociopath for me to develop the willpower and courage to fight back against anything else that stole my dignity in this life. After sharing my experiences with certain people about my past and my struggles, I was then discredited  and scrutinized for being a tainted woman. Sometimes, I feel worthless. Other times, I feel empowered. I’ve come along way. Built myself up one blow at a time. My father and i don’t have a relationship today, nor do i want one. I work hard and fight for my salary increase, I’m constantly pursuing my education, and striving to improve my quality of life. I’ve learned self defense, I’ve learned how to do anything that a man can do and everyday I walk with my head held high. Nothing can break me and if someone believes otherwise, I invite them to challenge me. My life has not been easy but I continue to fight. I am a Life warrior. 

Incomplete.

Life is a real game. You and I are nothing but a meeple struggling in this race to succeed and survive. Some of us make it to the finish line, others spend their lives back and forth trying to figure it all out, trying to put the pieces together. The only difference between real life and an actual game is that we don't have a rulebook or a cheat sheet. There is no light leading us in the right direction. We have to learn to be our own compass and progress forward through each tile, each box, and each maze. That's the beauty of being a conscious functional being, we can reason and face challenge so naturally. Each time we overcome a new obstacle in life, we transition into a new level of play, a new paradigm for growth. But not everyone is a winner in this so called puzzle of life. When we cant find the validation that we need, our challenges become something other than executing our purpose. We want to feel accepted and whole. We search for fulfillment and meaning our whole entire lives, endlessly seeking ways to fill the voids. Toxic relationships, as unhealthy and as destructive as they are, are still so wonderful because at least we are not alone. At least we have someone else to listen and hurt with us, we are not alone. Who wants to play by themselves, anyways? Money comes and goes, doesn't it? Isn't it like Monopoly? So how can it be harmless that we obsessively and carelessly throw it away on things that don't last or matter, such as strippers, and booze, and clothes, and shoes, and makeup? We are just trying to make ourselves feel good and maybe just look good. That short period of gratification gets us through one extra day. And when our never-ending search for acceptance turns into desperation, we become so lost and struggle with feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. We spiral into bouts of debt. When we cant keep up and things turn unbearable, we numb it all out. Like I said, not everyone can play their cards right. We turn to drugs to alleviate the pressures of the game. A lot of people are not built for it. They are pre-destined to fail. Here is the world for you, this life that you must live, but all the pieces are not available to you. Your game is incomplete. Its not over, though, it never started. Lets just stop playing, shall we. Let's give up the whole tirade altogether, lets all be incomplete, because then we can share and live as constants with no expectations, maybe just love hard instead and leave it all as it is. I love you like that. Incomplete. 

Resurrection.

This year has a lot in store for me. Everything from saving more money, to renting a new space, gaining momentum at work, booking travel plans, and mainly focusing on self-improvement. My love life, I might add, is blossoming. Who's the lucky guy? Wouldn't you guys love to know.....I'm happy to announce that I am currently dating myself, although I'm no guy. There's too much at stake at this turn in my life to give any part of myself to a man, besides, after attempting to date once or twice, I was left in total disappointment. I find that many people still have a long journey ahead to finding themselves and having any ambition at all. You can't put yourself out there thinking that people can fill your void for you. I cant stand to see them wallow in their failure or lack of. I would be more interested in sharing wisdom and then keeping it moving. Why is it that people are so adamant on seeking love, when they haven't fully learned to love themselves and be completely independent and comfortable alone? That's never been me and I'm not trying to join the party. Companionship is a beautiful thing when its with someone who's ambitious as you are, someone who shares your same passions. My sister, who's 32 and single, has a complicated social life. A majority of her friends are either engaged, married, and/or have children. Heck, even our youngest brother is married and has a baby on the way. It' a tough place to be when, naturally, you're comparing yourself to the people you are surrounded by. There are a lot of blessings going around but I'd love for people like us to work on celebrating our own lives, no matter how far "behind" we are. In fact, there is no time line or race to achieve life milestones. We all are destined to fulfill different things at our own unique pace. So with that being said, I've realized that it has to start with the things that move us. How do we mobilize ourselves onward in our individual paths? In the last couple of weeks, I've done my fair share of self reflecting. Conversations with my new found lover went something like this; "So what are you into?, Where do you see yourself in 2 years? 10 years?! What are the things you would include on your bucket list? "What kind of person do you see yourself with?" Man, I'm such a keeper! The soundtrack to my life is glorious. I want nothing but to return to the music. I want to look and feel good again. I want to keep breaking the rules and living only by the ones I set in place for myself. Most importantly, I want to keep being the badass mom that I am.  My sister longs for a dream and love. I told her to create her own story. "What is your passion, Dalia, because your love lies there". She responded, "Sleep"........ I'm rooting for her. Well, mine is music, and it hit me. The person who will potentially hold my heart is he, who, can lose himself in a song and find me there. In the meanwhile, I'm holding up a glass and giving cheers to myself because I'm the only thing worth celebrating. No more missing myself. This year, I'm coming back to life. VIDA!

Nostalgic Death.

I miss feeling lightweight. I miss not belonging to anyone and having my space and freedom. I miss being able to fast for a whole month straight during Ramadan. I miss taking long rides to the beach by myself at 1 o'clock in the morning to go skinny dipping in the ocean. I miss being able to give my time and attention to the moon. I miss doing bear crawls and hitting a bag. I miss holding on tight on the motorcycle while unforgivably pushing past the speed limit. I miss unexpected and uninvited appearances in the middle of the night while I was asleep. I miss my commitment to green tea. I miss holding my son when he was small. I miss listening to him struggle to put words together to make a sentence. I miss writing papers. I miss Saturday morning runs at Over Peck. I miss having a date night with my siblings. I miss us being younger and closer than ever before. I miss the feeling I use to get whenever "he" use to show me off. I miss seeing the light show in the city every Christmas. I miss getting on that stage before that crowd and letting everything go to morph into someone new. I miss how liberating it felt to live out someone else and their story. I miss my art and my creativity. I miss writing. I miss the warm sensations that use to rush all over my body when driving carefree....no destination and admiring all the decorative street lights and how after reaching a high they would all fade into a fuzzy blur. I miss getting lost in my music and how it moved me to tears. I miss being someone's special secret. I miss my loneliness. I miss rocking it to R&B in front of my mirror while checking myself out. I miss random smiles and laughing to myself. I miss resisting. I miss being fearless. I miss proving someone wrong. I miss giving my affection to you. I miss lighting my candles and my incense. I miss the smoke clouds that my hookah used to make and how they would fill my kitchen. I miss how at events or celebrations, the music would be too loud to hear one another, so we would have to use our energies, our eye contact, and our body language to communicate. I miss how everything would cancel out around me and everything would become centered......Sometimes I come back, like the electrical activity on an ECG. The end of the year is nearing, and I hope on resuscitating.

My mother is strong.

My mom has endured a lot in her life. She grew up without her father and was raised by her older brother and her mother. They were very poor and struggled to make a life in a small village outside Tanta, Egypt. She never had the privilege to finish school or go off to college, instead, she was married off to my dad although I don't think it was against her will. My parents flew to the U.S. because my dad had plans to resume his life and raise a family out here. I'm not sure why. My mom was 20 years younger than my dad. He had a masters, served in the Egyptian army, and worked as a mechanical engineer. He was a very smart man, but extremely self-centered and stubborn. My mom didn't speak a word of English, she didn't work or have a car, and she had absolutely no family or friends here. She was completely dependent on my dad in going out socially, having some money to spend, and just leaving the house in general. He was very controlling. My sister was born and than came me and my brothers Omar and Ali. We were born just a year apart except for Ali, he was behind Omar by two years. So here you have this young woman with 4 young children to care and raise for. My mother didn't have many outlets or opportunities to raise us in the way in which she would have liked to. She cooked, she cleaned, and she cared for us. My dad worked and made the rules. She was unhappy because it was very overwhelming for her and my father wasn't exactly the most supportive or respectful kind of guy. He treated her not as an equal. When they fought, my dad would put his hands on my mom and it always turned ugly. I remember frequent visits to our apartment by the police.  My mom grew cold and bitter towards my dad. She had no one to turn to. Overtime, she got tired of the my dads treatment of her and slowly she started to make changes in her life to take more control of the situation. She started socializing and making friends in town who, later, would help her to learn to speak better English and get a job. My mom walked everywhere to get to where she needed to go or she would ask a friend for a ride. She scrapped up any money that she could and started selling stretch pants around town. I remember in the mornings when she walked us to school and we'd have to line up outside the building, she would go around to all the moms and sell them these pants. She was able to save money and, in time, she learned how to drive, got her license, and bought a car. She wanted to break free from my dad. As a young girl, I remember being excited for my dad to get home from work. My siblings and I would wait right at the door and listen for the keys. I viewed him as my hero. He always broke the rules and I thought it was daring and exciting. I was afraid of him at times but more afraid of my mom. I just remember her being so angry and aggressive. She would always take out her frustrations on us but it wasn't her fault. She was so lost and helpless. My dad would always shield us from her hostility. We didn't understand it all then. I do recall the moments where my mom held me and hugged me and made me feel safe in her arms. She's never been treated right by a man. She's never been loved the right way, respected as a woman, nurtured, or supported the way a man should support a woman. My parents divorced when we became adults. They were separated long before. My mother has come a long way. I now understand, as a single mother, what she endured and the sacrifices she made for us. I wish my father stepped up more as a husband and a father. Everything he did was based on whether or not he'd benefit from it. He treated my mom like a servant instead of like a queen in which she is. My brother's adopted a lot of the ways in how my dad treats women. Its disgusting. They are not considerate of my mother. My father doesn't realize this, but our family is plagued because of him. I don't look up to him anymore, I look up to my mother for being strong all these years. Aside from all this, I love both my parents dearly.

Euphoria.

The northbound drive along Hudson terrace gives the most breathtaking view of the George Washington Bridge. I appreciate everything that's elevated, all while listening to music. I played some of my favorites songs on my way home this evening. I use to listen to music every chance I got because it gave me an unexplainable high. It was my escape from everything going on. It makes me feel so damn good. Artists like Lana Del Rey, Nate Ruess, Neil Diamond, and the Fray could make me excited and cry at the same time. One of the lines in "Heartbeat" is, "I wanna kiss your scars tonight..", a line that was probably meant literally, which to me is so beautiful and sexy, but its meaning might have been to "heal" one's heart.  I could play that song over and over again. Music is the only thing that's ever been able to cater to my desires and soothe my irritable passions. When nothing in my life makes sense, music does, and I can find myself in a song.  I close my eyes a lot when I listen and I let it take me. Beethoven once said. "Music should strike fire from a heart of a man, and bring tears from the eyes of a woman". Pay attention, this is one of my all time favorites.  Strange, though, isn't it? Every kind of music I listen to refers always to love. Everything always goes back to it. It reminds me of how everyone out there simply wants to be loved, if not held by someone. We all do, we want...I want to be loved the same way music makes me feel loved. I want it to be just as euphoric.

Purpose.

Those feelings of loss that slowly steep into you after a break up....surely they are the worst kind of feelings. More so because of the investments made after a year and 4 1/2 months. You invest your time, your emotions, your words, your thoughts, everything, only for it all to go to waste. Sometimes I cant help but think that maybe I'm not meant to be loved by a man eternally. I've spent my whole young life being in relationships with broken men who may have drained me throughout the years. Men who are flawed a great deal and could never truly dedicate themselves to a woman. I've given too much of myself. I remember spending time doing one's high school assignments to help him make it to graduation and long nights of accompanying him after his father kicked him out numerous times. I preached to him about respecting his parents and pleaded for him to come home after countless night outs with the wrong kind of people. The cheating was endless and habitual. He suffered from psychopathic episodes and was diagnosed with manic depression. I spent two weeks at the psych ward with him and always had my schedule accommodate his and his family's. I ached for him badly. I wanted nothing but for him to be well. Until today, he doesn't have much involvement in our son's life. Then there was the one whom might have been my first and only true love, but I've yet to understand it.  He was a heroin addict and of course I hadn't known after it was too late. I was already in too deep. I found myself holding money at his request and frantically taking calls from jail, even arguing and bickering back and forth with another woman whom he lead on for far longer. It was disgusting but If I sat here and wrote about how patient and understanding he was, it would be a lengthy blog. He made me feel more alive then I'd ever been in my life and my most passionate and highest sexual experiences were with him. I could talk to him about anything at all without any judgement. It was pure acceptance. I did whatever I could to help him lead a better life. He's currently serving his 5th and final year behind bars. I'm shaking things off with the most recent man. It really disappoints me that I held on long to him after I realized that it wouldn't work between us. It killed me. I kept convincing myself that I'll develop stronger feelings, that maybe it can turn into something great. I wanted him to be the one. He was handsome and charming. He made me laugh like no other. The best part is that we enjoyed a lot of the same things like sports and math. But he was broken. He denied all his faults. He wasn't in tune with my feelings let alone his own. He had too many hardships of his own and didn't know how to face them. He was as dry as they come. I tried opening his heart more. Demonstrating patience and compassion became a full time job. He had a lot of ambition but no direction. I advised him. I also tried to keep him grounded. He was impulsive and extremely aggressive. I started seeing a side of him that had me believing I was being fooled over time. He became a bitter soul and was self-loathing. I could no longer be so inviting to the misery as it was making me sick. I'm a giving woman. I don't feel whole unless I'm helping or doing something selfless. These people I've committed to in the past were my missions. I was determined to fix them, heal them....I needed to know that I was trying to do something about every situation they were dealing with. It wasn't my battle, it was theirs. But I constantly feel a sense of urgency to step in and contribute someway. In these "relationships", I was servicing these men. I had a conversation with an old friend sometime ago where we spoke about God and life and how everyone may be here with a purpose. I expressed to him how I thought deeply about this and how I just might be here on Earth to serve my purpose, which is to share my love with broken people who aren't capable of loving themselves. Maybe I'm not meant to be in love or be loved unconditionally (yes its a depressing suggestion) but rather to guide others to love and re-build, leave them with a piece of myself. I am a token, a token to help them find peace and self-renewal. People cross paths in life for a reason, this I truly believe. I'm not sure who I'll encounter next or what purpose I'll serve once we meet, but I yearn to be.... I'll quote my son's words from just the other day...."with a man who can be patient and understanding. He'll respect you and me and him can have a good relationship and play together"...... but what a man he'll be!

Humin.

My God, has the world become a cold place. The shocking outcome of our Presidential Election, the bombing in Syria, the Religious hatred that's spewing across our country, the issue with the Dakota Access Pipe Line.....all these unfortunate things taking place! When I step outside, I can feel the tenseness in the air. People's energies are like magnets. I get anxiety just walking into the supermarket (I've never checked out so quickly in my life). So, before I go to sleep each night, a million things are racing through my mind. I'm thinking about the future and what it might hold now that we will have a bigoted and inexperienced celebrity as our president and how that may affect me as a Arab woman. How will it affect my son. Will it even?... I see videos on social media every day about the poor innocent children, either being injured or dying in Syria. It truly breaks my heart and, man, does it make me feel so damn small.... Who am I, and what can I do to put an end to all the wrongs in this world. I can only hope and pray that others rise up and care enough to make a difference. I am molding my son the best way I can to ensure that he grows up to be a concerned and compassionate human being. The most important thing is that people learn to care about others, regardless of their background, race, religion, or status. Love. Why cant people just love?? It makes me think.... what if we all could share one belief? One kind of faith or "culture"?... Inclusive of all races and religions....All humans sharing and celebrating every holiday and festivity, including those which are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Atheism, everything. We could call one another "HumIN" (IN-clusive of all humans). Just imagine how it would be almost impossible to try and discredit or be biased against this type of practice. One might say, "I don't like "Humins", and it would make them sound foolish. Whether you think its silly or not, it's certainly something that can change the world and how people treat one another. I'll sit on this concept.

Shying Away.

Its been a little over two months since I've signed in to update my blog. Typical gemini thing. I either soak in my feelings so much that I'm willing to stand up to them through writing or I become so flustered with them that I shy away. Its not uncommon that I avoid the aftertastes of my miseries. Lately, I 've been experiencing such poor self esteem. I avoid spending too much time in the mirror and I restrain myself from engaging with social acquaintances. I remember last year how I would force eye contact with random people at the stores for the sole purpose of exchanging a smile. "You will smile", I would say to myself. "I will give you a reason to smile". I didn't care who they were or what they were about but I was determined to plant that smile onto their faces and allow them to have a brief interlude of happiness. I relied on that so much. I knew if I could get someone to share a smile with me, that it would fulfill one of my many empty "pockets" of sadness. I guess it was more of a selfish attempt. I miss that. I cant bring myself to even glance at others now. I hate who I've become. I was always so confident and bold without really being exposed and now I'm just shy of the world.